Internalizing Labels
The internalization of labels happens so quickly that we very rarely think to question it. I remember that phase in middle school, the one where everyone starts saying “oh you’re so ___” insert mildly veiled criticism here. I remember that feeling of pride that comes from receiving a label I was excited about and the shame I felt when someone would give me a negative. I could practically feel the inner parts of myself rearranging to accommodate this new persona. I had to make space for all the things people saw in me so I had to put other things away. I put the most important things away.
When I work with clients and discuss label internalization, I’m often met with a quizzical look. This comes especially after I challenge them to pick a different word if they’ve received a positive one. For instance, if someone says “you’re so kind” that would inherently be viewed as positive no?. But if it came from someone with a sarcastic tone, suddenly kind takes on a whole different means. The implications behind it leave an icky feeling in their wake. So when I work with clients I challenge them to remember where they received the label first. Can they recall the first time they were told they were something specific? Driven? Motivated? Sensitive?
The first time we receive the feedback shapes every time afterwards. If sensitivity is celebrated and praised, we will view it as a positive. If it’s wielded as a weakness and thrown out there as something wrong, we may start to believe that any act of sensitivity (or anything remotely close to it) is not something to be proud of.
We unintentionally perpetuate the cycle of shame long after the original situation has faded into the background. Shame continues to rob us of things we once were so joyful about. If you can recall times as a child where you were outgoing and loud and wonderfully rambunctious, ask yourself where that version of you went? You may have been told to be less or to do less – to put those wonderful pieces of yourself away or tame them for the ease and comfort of others. You may have been shamed into hiding your true self and instead learning how to put on a persona that your family and friends found more acceptable.
The distance between your true self and your persona becomes vast every day, month and year that we don’t come back to ourselves. Anxiety begins to grow and become more unbearable the older that we get because it becomes harder to either A) maintain the persona or B) have the courage to go back to our true selves. Do you see the predicament? In either case, we have to bring a ton of energy to the table, energy that may be better used for building a life that we want and cultivating meaningful relationships.
If we’re lucky, we have many opportunities in life to begin to close the gap between our personas and our true selves. These are the take a risk times. You may have experienced them as moments where you could go after what you really wanted or remained in the current version of your life. These are the big grand potential moments and yet, when push comes to shove, how many of us don’t take the option? How many of us (myself included) have had big, grand moments of change show up on our doorstep and then we panic and we say, maintaining the persona wasn’t that bad. I think I can keep doing it. And we take all the excitement we have about revealing our true selves and we tamp it down. We repress it and shove it down as far as it will go until one day, we simply cannot keep it contained any longer.
Comments