On a More Personal Note

If you’ve been following along on the Heal Your Heart challenge you may have noticed that I took a brief interlude into another area of life – the area of my personal life. I’m not one to share too much about what happens behind the scenes. It’s not because of fear or shame. It’s an intentional act of maintaining some semblance of ownership over my story and what happens in it.

But recently I shared about my health experience and the importance about being able to receive love. What may or may not have been clear in those videos is how deeply this health journey affects me, especially in my day to day. For instance, as I’m writing this I’m on day three of an episode where I’ve not been able to leave the house let alone go about my day for longer than a few minutes at a time. The sand sensation I discussed in my videos courses through me with a rapidity I haven’t felt in ages. Each time another wave comes through I think, “my legs may give out” and then I think “Not a chance in hell I’m going to let that happen.” If you hear resiliency in my tone, good. It’s something I’ve been working on cultivating over these last few years because it’s not something I contained previously. I’ve needed to learn how to work within my physical bounds. I’ve needed to adjust my outlook on life to incorporate what it is I physically can and cannot do depending on the day. In essence, I’ve needed to come back to the foundation of myself and allow my soul to shine in different ways.

As we navigate through the next thirty days of this challenge, we will be focusing on interpersonal relationships. At first, I thought this was a natural progression considering we spent the better part of phase one discussing our own love. But now I see the higher meaning that was at play. This second phase is dedicated to interpersonal dynamics because much like you, I have needed to learn how to navigate these waters. So let us do it together.

My hope is that you are not in my position, that is, the position of being corralled into this arena. My hope is that you are here by choice – actively choosing to participate in love and receive care and affection. I spent so many years rejecting it that my pattern has become waiting until the moment of true physical weakness. Only then do I say, hmm I wish I had someone to help me. But to wait until that extreme is to test a system and put it under duress when it has never been necessary to do so. This is a lesson hard learned by me. My physical body is a testament to what happens when we spend more time rejecting help than understanding healing is done in unison with others. Once we’ve reached the extreme it can feel like weakness to inch ourselves back into the space of moderation. But I’m here to tell you it’s not. It is not weak to receive care. Nor is it weak to receive understanding. It is a courageous act to open your heart and allow others to step into that space of the most importance bringing with them their unique imprint of love.

I don’t have the energy to run. Both on a physical and spiritual level I have run out of fight and stubbornness. I cannot maintain this level of fortitude on my own and frankly I don’t want to. I’ve reached the stage of this healing journey where if I don’t allow others to love me, I will be undoing all the work I’ve fought so hard to complete. If I don’t allow others to love me, they will never see my soul shine bright or my charisma for life expand ten-fold. It’s not enough for me to witness my soul’s magic. It is not enough for me to do this thing called life on my own. And if it is not enough, it’s time to seek the fulfillment that will ease my soul, heart and mind back into the space of utter calm.