Shame and Change
The age old question: Is it me or is it them? Of course there’s no firm answer because the decision is directly tied to the situation. But when we begin to change and evolve from the person that we were to the person we’re trying to become, it often feels like the collective “they” know something more and suddenly it is in fact, me, that is the problem.
This predicament of self-doubt springs from the challenging growth period of stepping into our own confidence and power. When we have lived so many years of life for the expectations of others, it is of no surprise that we may ruffle a few feathers when we stop doing so. When we cease to fulfill others expectations or actively choose not to follow the previous set of social norms we once adhered to – inevitably it’s going to be uncomfortable. But other people’s discomfort does not mean yielding back into the state of conformity. That would mean relinquishing all the hard work you’ve done to get to where you are and stepping back into the box you fought so hard to get out of.
So why is it that when we begin to break out and get feedback from others questioning our growth that we feel that intense urge to revert? We get the sensation of wanting to “fit in” once again. The answer lies in the sensation of pattern recognition and receiving shame. When we spend years following certain sets of rules, communication patterns and expectations we become conditioned to the response we receive from others when we do so. For example, if you are always amenable when family conflict comes up and you go with the flow of the majority despite having different opinions, you may have a reputation within the family unit for being calm and easy going. If you begin to change and start expressing your own desires instead of going with the majority, you may start receiving feedback from your loved ones that who you have become isn’t who they know. They may even go so far as so tell you to go back to who you were because they liked you more. You find yourself on the receiving end of shame.
Shame can only be given to you by someone else and when we receive shame, we can easily become disoriented. The confidence we felt about ourselves moments before can be extinguished in a matter of moments. It is a fog that blinds us and makes us weak. Shame, is poison for the soul. Once it is in you, it spreads and tries to take away any joy it can find. So when you’re in a state of challenge, be mindful of what someone is trying to give you even if it is veiled in polite criticism. If they are offering you shame, you do not have to accept it. In fact, you shouldn’t. Because the moment shake is internalized, it decimates any positive feeling of self-belief or self-esteem in its path.
If we challenge ourselves to push the shame away and evaluate what’s going on we gain the ability to read between the lines. When you’re receiving feedback from others, don’t immediately take the bait even if it is positive. You may feel yourself wanting to attach to the feedback as a way to gage how you’re doing internally. This is a natural progression for the soul. We want things to attach to because as we change, we lack stability so when an idea about us comes up, we latch on to it like a life raft in the ocean.
If we detach, however, we gain perspective and we can interpret alternate reasons for the feedback. Perhaps, what is really being communicated is that the person you’re interacting with recognized you more before you changed. They had a stronger understanding of how you would react, speak and participate in the handful of situations you mutually experience on a regular basis. For you to change that side of the equation threatens their ability to respond in kind. In this space, we begin to feel pressure to conform once again. It would be easier for others if we went back to our old responses. If we were to become lax with our boundaries and less communicative, it would be easier for others because they wouldn’t have to change. But when we make room for others comfort at the sacrifice of our own growth and progress, we have already determined that we are worth less than them. We are sending a message to ourselves that our time, energy, words and efforts are less valuable than theirs which could not be further from the truth.
Now in this space, it is easy for us to become reactive. When you receive feedback day in and day out that who you are becoming is not who others would like you to be, it is not a far fetch to say that you will become frustrated. Frustration can unfortunately be demonstrated with hard, harsh boundaries that don't allow for growth. Now of course there will be situations where firm boundaries are a necessity. But when it comes to people you care a lot about, be mindful of how you are setting boundaries. Your first instinct may be to reject them if you feel they have rejected you. This defensiveness does little to cultivate new growth in you. It actually thwarts growth because high defensiveness of this kind promotes stagnation within the soul. How can you continue to grow and change when all of energy goes directly towards anger, outrage and frustration towards someone else?
So instead of hard, brittle and often unstable boundaries that block us from love, consider setting boundaries that feel firm, unshakable and calm. A boundary of this sort protects you but doesn’t become a tool for defensiveness. Think of it like having a castle but not needing the mote. You become so sure of the stability of your walls, the strength of your soul and the firmness of who you are that a second layer of defensive isn’t necessary. Even if you were to get attacked, you wouldn’t crumble to the ground because your soul and the person you have become are resilient, confident and unshakable.
In the early stages of self-discovery, we are fragile. We’re a newborn discovering exciting and novel ways to engage with the world. So when a large challenge comes in like a parent or close friend questioning who you’ve become, it’s going to feel like a cataclysmic shake up. It’s not uncommon to oscillate between believing them to be right about you followed by a swift feeling that no, they have no idea who you are. This bouncing back and forth is your soul’s way of trying to find realignment because there really is no right answer. The truth of the situation lies heavily on what feels right and good for you and only you. In each scenario where you feel challenged by others, go back and see where you felt authentic with yourself. Yes you may have a laundry list of micro-moments where you didn’t and that's okay. There’s no perfect execution of sharing your new self with the world. It is a messy process of setting boundaries, changing them, breaking them and re-writing them until you find a space within you that affords you enough room to breathe and be expansive without needing to take from others.
That is the art of becoming you. When you review your list, try not to focus on all the moments you didn’t show up for yourself. Remember you are breaking years and years of patterns. Instead, celebrate the times you did honor you. That is no small feat given the strength it took to do so. With each moment you show up as yourself, you will have one less moment with your old self until eventually you can’t even remember who you once were.
Comments