Understanding
Sometimes I wonder if understanding or the act of being understood is one of the most misunderstood concepts we encounter in interpersonal dynamics. That tongue twister of a sentence isn’t meant to be cute or enticing. It’s calling it as I see it. The act of trying to be understood is most misunderstood by those trying to accomplish it.
And it’s not because we're not trying. It’s because we’ve been taught to conceptualize it incorrectly.
The act of being understood is inherently transactional. It requires two people: one who is seeking understanding and one who is supposed to, in an ideal world, offer it. But we cannot coerce someone into understanding us. We cannot force them to comprehend the necessity of us being heard, seen or understood because if we are not offering them the same thing in return, we are not understanding at all. In times where I’ve seen people ask for understanding, more often than not they don’t want flexibility from the other party. They don’t want any variables. They want complete control and only one answer will do. But this stringent approach to understanding isn’t understanding at all. It’s appeasement. When we are seeking appeasement, it’s not our true selves that are asking to be seen and heard. It’s our personas – those things inside of us that require constant validating in order to continue existing.
Instead of seeking appeasement which is a one way street, we can instead try seeking understanding. It is the simple act of mutually stepping into the space of vulnerability that allows us to feel understood by someone else. It’s because instead of demanding it or coercing it, we’re allowing ourselves to put our guard down just a little. We are deliberately stepping into the slippery space of the unknown for the briefest moment in time so that we hopefully come out the other side feeling more stable and grounded. This leap of faith is what prevents most of us from feeling understood. I know it’s certainly prevented me in the past. It’s been this big, scary thing and yet when I’ve done it it’s worked in my favor. That’s not to say I was always pleased with the outcome, I didn’t always get agreement or appeasement. But what I got was being seen in perfectly clarity for who I am - as I am.
That moment- that is something that feels wonderful to the soul. That moment is total clarity and utter calm. It’s almost as though when we step into the mutual space and we hesitantly edge ourselves towards the cliff of vulnerability, the free fall is what makes us feel most calm and seen because if we look around us during that moment we see someone else’s soul falling right there with us in perfect tandem.
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