When We Abandon Our Hearts

The moment I realized I had abandoned my own heart was not a pretty one. It was also not anticipated so the shock and awe factor made the entire scenario that much harder to process. To set the scene, I had been intentionally pulling my thoughts back to myself each time they drifted towards someone or something else. But on this particular occasion, I had woefully underestimated the impact giving my heart away would have on my entire being. It’s a tale as old as time. Girl meets guy, guy meets girl. Girl gives her heart away and never quite gets it back. This act of losing my heart over and over again has taken its toll especially when I consider how many years this narrative has been playing out. You see, it wasn’t one particular moment of revelation that brought me here. It was an accumulation of years’ worth of trying to give my heart away to someone (anyone) who I thought could hold it – as though the original structure that held my heart (aka me) was unfit for the long term.

It's sad when you think about it that way isn’t it? After years of trying to give my heart away to people I thought could hold it, I realized I was actually never meant to give it away after all. All those love songs I listened to had been wrong. I wasn’t meant to give away a piece of my heart. I wasn’t meant to wait for someone to bring me a piece of theirs so I could feel whole and complete. I was born whole and complete and the heart that I showed up with was perfectly designed to fit in the beautiful puzzle that is my mind-body-soul connection. If I’ve been given one, precious heart that fits perfectly within me why in the world would I need to give it away and wait for someone else’s to show up?

It's incredible to me that this process has taken me this long to realize. But perhaps, that’s the entire point of this 90 day challenge. It is the intentional work of waking up myself. I have to begin holding awareness for how I care for my heart and where it is meant to be. For so long, I subscribed to the act of giving it away in order to receive love. But all along, I had love. I was receiving it from my own heart. Yet, I continued to abandon it and when you have abandoned something over and over again, the act of getting it to trust you again takes time and thoughtfulness. You see, my heart doesn’t trust me. It doesn’t trust that my soul is going to put it ahead of everyone else’s heart. I can’t say I blame it. I think back to all the times I had the option of choosing to love myself or waiting for someone to love me and I always chose the latter. It was as though my soul kept telling my heart over and over again, “you’re not quite enough, we need more.” So of course my heart isn’t trusting me yet. I have to take time to rebuild the dynamic that come hell or high water, I will choose myself first. Over and over and over again.

Of course this won’t be easy. The act of choosing yourself again and again takes practice and a constant state of present awareness. But when I don’t choose myself I feel the complete depletion of my heart, as though I’ve let it down once again. And the thing is, I’m tired of letting my heart down. I have spent so much time and energy telling it to have hope that someone, somewhere will show up and love it. When the entire time, I could have been loving myself. So I’m done letting myself down and I’m done telling my heart that it is not enough as it is. I’m embracing the fact that my heart has been perfectly designed for me. It deserves to be celebrated, cared for and loved more than any version of love I’ve tried to give someone else because it’s mine, it’s my only one and if I don’t take care of it, who will?